No quality sleep --> Didn't rest well --> Grouchy day lying ahead. (and the cycle repeats itself)

However, something happened. My upper left eyelid was swollen. Thus, I decided to make a trip down to my family doctor before going Church. To my great...'surprise', the swelling is actually a symptom of chalazia (cyst in the eyelid that is caused by inflammation of a blocked meibomian gland. btw, meibomian glands are the glands in between the base of our eyelashes)

Just waiting for the doctor took me around 2 hours plus? Cause he was very, very late. I only had my consultation way past 1130 because he reached his clinic at 10 plus when his clinic opens at 0830! Thus, by the time I finished my consultation, service was over. I wasn't able to attend church once again.

Well, met my aunt after that. She was having some Chinese classes nearby in the neighbourhood. Together, we went for lunch, bitched about guys. This time, different, the conversations were plainly, our rantings and complains about guys. I find myself getting more and more emotional. I almost fired fatal arrows behind my family's back which included my relatives too. Think again, was I getting more emotional, or was it cause I was sitting in between 2 emotional women.

Perhaps that's the distinct difference between an emotionalist and a rationalist. Emotionalist will never get things done well cause they always let their emotions take control over them and not do anything about it. On the other hand, rationalists ALWAYS put their emotions behind them, solve the problem. And tada! At least something has been done or improved.

My mum was kind enough. She sponsored 2 cups of bubble tea - one for my sis and one for me.

In the end, my mum and I only drank 2 mouthfuls of the Passionfruit Ice Blend. The rest was taken by my sis when I was sleeping.WTF. There was jolly well another cup bought specially for her. It was Strawberry Yoghurt eh! Worst still, I told her 2 times directly in the face that I can't take dairy products cause of Chalazia! Yet, she was like telling me, " Oh, you can take the other cup in the refrigerator which you put in. Caused I finished the Passionfruit."

WTF! My words totally fell on deaf ears! I can't believe this. In the end, I have no more bubble tea to drink. Reason being, was asleep for 1.5 hours after medication.

Was out the whole day today! Hahax, what a traveler I am. Headed to East Coast today for cycling again. Not alone! Pretty surprising huh....

The park has lesser people than normal. Probably it is a Wednesday and a school day also. Awesome, grateful that holidays of Poly are always different from the usual schools ( i mean those primary and secondary)

Cycled for a while, watched the planes and the sea. Well, it wasn't as calming today which I got no idea why. Nevertheless, I finally found someone who have similar interests as me! Very, very rare indeed. How many years have I been looking for someone with similar interests but they never appeared.

Meanwhile, another thing to be thankful for - my 'visions' are no longer as clear and as frequent as before. I suppose that this is a good thing. If not weird images will keep on popping up randomly and most of the time they won't happen anyway.

Took a bus to Suntec for dinner (another sudden idea of mine). I find myself getting obsessed with chilling out in the town recently. But the atmosphere at night outside, especially the town is really nice. These are some of my 'extraordinary' interests. I am so not a typical girl, ain't I?

Well, time will never stop for humans. It will just keep going no matter what happens. Time to be back at home!

I still remember that during secondary 1, I see myself as having a new start to shake off my primary school times which I so badly wanted to get off from it. I wanted to do something to make my parents proud. Therefore, I worked hard. It was then I tried new studying methods - doing notes, highlighting important stuff (even though I copied homework, but I did study for my exams k) Back then, I was amazed, I topped the class! I was the 5th in the level. The very first I achieved in my 13 years. I never was the first place until then. I thought, it was really my whole new start. Really. Achieved what I wanted, thinking that my parents will be proud of me, thinking they would be happier that they didn't have a good-for-nothing daughter.

So what?

M family is as cold as ice. Nothing really mattered if I was the top in class. Well, I did receive some things like "oh, good for you," and "must work hard to maintain". That's was it.It didn't even sound sincere at all, they don't seemed happy about it. I even felt that it meant nothing to them. They even told me "You are able to top your class cause your class is weak."

How hurtful it was for a 13-year-old kid. Worst still, all the kid's efforts and pride was just, instantly swiped to ground 0 by that short sentence. What I hoped to hear was a little praise or maybe the tiniest smirk on their face that their child did well. But all I got was nothing. As usual, they keep things deep within themselves. The family, doesn't even feel like a family. No matter how hard I tried to reach out to them, I feel rejected and hurt eventually. It is really cold. No one is willing to share our thinkings and our secrets. And, perhaps that is the key to my icy and defensive personality to most people I meet. Cold and icy, where there's no warmth and emotions to talk about at all.

Apparently, I don't get much support from my family when I'm doing things. I do know that they care and worry for me. But, it just doesn't feel the drive. Seeing so many families around me joking around, having fun, giving their utmost support and encouragement make me very, very jealous. I really hope that I can have those too. Those words and acts of support on the children, I believed it will really spurt them to work doubly hard, or even give in the best that they can. Those magical actions and words will act miraculously on us as children. Really. I believed upon hearing these, kids will confirm want to do things well in order to show the good results for their parents, proving to them that they did it.

But after waiting for so many years, I don't want to get myself dejected again. Time and time again, the feeling of waiting for something which never seem to come. The sadness simply repeats itself, like a cycle, just that each time hurts more than the previous cause the scars and pain adds on. Perhaps, my family is just different. We get the freedom to choose what we want, unless is an extreme wrong or maybe things that are illegal, then there's objection raised. Other than that, I'm thankful that I am quite free to do whatever I want.

Right now, I am at least 60% sure that I am immune to not receiving words of encouragement. Or rather, I lowered my hopes to hoping that my family knows about the tiny little things that I'm trying to do. Again, to my disappointment, there's no avail. Maybe, I'm a bit of attention-seeker. I really hope that they'll see me one day and be appreciative of what I'm trying to do to make everyone in the family happy cause to me, none of them are happy being in the family. I tried hard, be it to put on a strong front or make a fool out of myself. In return, I got nothing. Nothing is changed. The only results I get is to find myself totally drained out. Exhaustion, despair was the state I ended up in.

In the end, I will always tell myself, "They can't see the small things I do is cause I couldn't see behind the walls what they had been doing." Although I am totally clueless about the little things they do, be it to for the family, or for themselves, I really hope that they can at least tell me a little about what they exactly want or what they're doing. Maybe like me, they don't like to share their things with other people. Or maybe that's purely hereditary. But at least, give me a brief outline? Just a little bit and I'm contented.

I do admit that I am extremely unwilling to share things with them. Unlike other kids who will run home to tell their parents what happened during their day, their happy and unhappy moments, I don't do that at all. I get extremely irritated if I am to tell everything and anything about what I wanted and what happened. However, if I were to tell them what I'm doing, they might object, despite how much I wanted to get things done. Take my braces issue for example. Since donkey years ago, dentists have been asking me to get my braces done cause my jaws are dislocated. Till now, my dad agreed to LOANED me the money. After 2-3 years have passed, my jaws are still dislocated! What the hell. Is like whatever issue I talked to them, it will end up be an obstacle for me to get it done. My braces, my music life, my aspirations, my interests etc..

Well, is this the price of equivalent exchange where they don't bother me and I shall not poke my nose into their matters?

Are the prices in exchange a too hefty one? Staying in a place where I am trained to keep my emotions deep within me. I am not supposed to express anything or I'll get hurt. But...afterall, they are my family. They are supposed to be my closest kin, yet they feel to be so distant. Shall I just continue to convince myself that my family is different from other people? My family is not a typical family?

Many people said that your family is the best shelter which will always be open for you to seek refuge. They claimed that only families will give you unconditional support and will be always behind you, going through thick and thin blah blah.

How true are those 'golden words', when I feel that my family brings me more grief and happiness. When families hold you back from what you aim and what you like. They be argue that is for our own good, and they will ensure that we stay on the right track. But is pursuing what I liked a crime? I do not aim to do bad things like joining the dark side nor doing illegal stuff. I mainly wanted to have a career and do something I like. I just wanted to achieve the goals I set for myself, to develop my interests which I wasn't given a chance when I was young. It is not wrong, isn't it?

If you are in a family where you feel that you are tied and restricted, will you still feel that your family is a good support to achieving your goals and realising your dreams?

Overslept for service today :S I woke up at 10.30am and service starts at approximately 11.30am in Jurong! Oh my tian...I was severely late. Therefore, washed up and rushed straight to church. In the end, I reached like 20 min before the service ended..

After service, went out for lunch with them and watched them practice for Youth Alive for the whole afternoon. The youths really put in lots of efforts in preparation. I really hoped that the event would turn out smoothly and remarkably for them.

At night, we went Jurong Point for dinner, followed Mandy and Uli to buy some cosmetics and went home after that. Pity that I couldn't meet the rest after that cause it was really late since my traveling time home is 1.5 hours. If I joined them I would definitely reached home freaking late. Oh well. But, it is a fruitful day as I managed to spend quality time with them :)

However, I was still late in a sense that I reached at 7.45am when I was supposed to meet Raquel and Shaun at 7.30am. Participated in their mini conversations and gave goodbye hugs to them.

We watched them enter the transit hall and went to eat Mac breakfast after that. I was so tired that I could feel myself crashing when having my breakfast. And, Shaun doesn't allow me to go home to sleep! He dragged Raquel and I to stay company with him. Oh, I forgot to mention, I got the first 13 episodes of Glee from Raquel too! Awesome, I have something to catch up during the holidays now! :)

We decided to travel to Plaza Singapura to buy some stuff. Hmm, watched the movie "Remember Me" at $6.50 despite that it is a Friday. Well, the show was simply, er, 'artsy'. It looked a bit too chim to be understood. Again, I couldn't understand the show, thus almost fell asleep halfway.

The show was 2 hours long and it was already 4pm when it ended. We headed home straight after the movie to rest for the day...

Spent the whole day out again. Fortunately, I was not alone. Guys, no worries. I do not go out alone as often as before. The following shall be how I spent my day as much as I can remember...

1. Lunch at Yoshinoya

2. Watching of Alice in Wonderland (in 3D)

3D movies are pretty cool in terms of graphics. It feels a bit different. There seemed to be 2 layers distinctly between the foreground and the background of the scenes. However, sad that I couldn't see the link in the story. It seemed...very choppy. Like one moment this is happening and another moment, another activity is happening.

3. Walking around CBD

Oh boy, spending a few days rotting at home really deteriorated my memory of my map around Singapore. I couldn't even recognise my way in Cityhall when I was walking around. My sense of directions became much more blunt than I imagined. I suppose this shows that I need to travel around constantly. I need my photo memory back desperately!

4. 'Dinner' at Subway

Got lost while walking in the CBD, but found a few places which I rarely went in the past. We ended up in Chinatown..OMG. But then, took the MRT back to Dhoby to eat and talk.

Oh well, that's the brief outline for the day. Shall get down to my thoughts that came to me. Sorry guys if I'm being egocentric again.

I think that I'm lost. Not just literally today at CBD, but I realised I seemed to lose all of my goals. I can no longer be sure of what I want. All the drive and motivation I had seemed to be gone. Recently, I'm feeling that I'm being drained. Although the holidays is supposed to allow us to charge up and prepare for our next semester, the feeling of losing what I wanted to be seemed awful and scary. Lying on bed at home thinking of what I really want and what I should do to achieve them is bringing me nowhere. Absolutely nowhere.

Also, I have been beating about the same bush about my family. Being long winded again huh. But yea, this is always a matter that has been in my mind for a very, very long time. Pity those close friends who have been hearing my nags about my family, didn't mean to do that. But just that I have a tendency to say out everything I think so as I can picture all the choices and consequences visually in my mind. Shall not go too deep into it here. Or I should say, it should be more practical for me to come up with a solution rather than grumbling and being dissatisfied with things that I should be cherishing at the moment.

In addition, all the thinking is killing my appetite intensively. I find myself eating lesser and lesser when it is the holidays! Initially, I thought I would snack too much and gain weight instead. But apparently, things are going the opposite way of my imagination. I barely eat proper meals now. Snacks and junk food are filling in as main courses rather. Unhealthy. But frankly speaking, I haven't been feeling like eating for the past few days. I still do eat for the sake of eating. Thus, a few mouthfuls of food per meal turns me off easily nowadays.

Oh well, shall start to sit down and think with a clear mind for now since I can. Hope that I can see the light fast enough...

At the camp, many things happened which I shall not list, cause is really quite a lot. Overall, I learnt how to be a better leader, which I emphasize, A GOOD SERVANT LEADER. I saw the stark contrast between servant leaders and master leaders at the camp. Really interesting and memorable. It was like, a 'live' lesson learnt.

The girls were adorable. Typical girls' school- when they reached, saw the male trainers, saw some hot guys, and they got excited amongst themselves. Cute right? Managed to start some conversations about the guy trainers to build rapport with them. They really played hard when it comes to games! I am so impressed by their super high level of participation.

And, they said that I'm a nice trainer!! Woots! I feel so touched when they told me that! They even told me that they'll miss me cause I'm so nice. I'm really glad that they enjoyed themselves and liked me despite me being an inexperienced trainer and also the many held ups in the camp. On top of their class name and class cheer, they even had prepared a performance for their Talent Time (campfire night). It was a dance and they showed me! Really awesome ^^

Well, I think that's about it for the camp.

Results were released today also. And guess what? My prayers came true. OMG! I can't believe this. Really thank Lord for that. All my grades were much better than I expected. I am really grateful for the good grades, despite I guess it will only be average when compared to the other CMM people. The best part of the grades - I AM FREE FROM SUPPS! Hurray!

As much as I am contented about my grades, I feel guilty about my Calculus. Honestly speaking, the main reason I took Calculus as my CDS, is cause I see this as my last chance to score at least an A for it so as to make my dad happy. I already disappointed him once during the 'O's. I wanted to make it up so badly.

However, never did I expect, history repeated itself. I flung the last paper of the module. It is always the last paper that I screwed up and worst still, the last paper is always the most important paper! During the 'O's was like that, the same applied for my Calculus. Well, I did pass my calculus (miraculously) but it was a B (still below my dad's expectations)

It has been so many years that my dad has been training me to score in my Maths. He always hoped that I will do well in Maths just like him. And, me, once and once again, never gotten an A. Why does Maths hate me so much? I just need an A. I don't care even if is a low A!!! But I have never scored an A in Maths. NEVER! Why is it so hard? Maybe I do get occasional small As in class tests, but I only prayed for an A as the overall grade on my report to make my dad happy and proud of me that he succeeded in coaching his daughter into scoring As for my Maths! But it never came true..Never will it come true again :(

Back!

The smaller room in which we were shifted to...

The sales assistant told me that in order to have the Eyebrow Triming service, I need to buy at least one of the cosmetic products. Thus, I told the assistant that I'm looking for a Mascara.

Then, the lady helped me try on the Mascara and she got very excited about my eyelashes. Well, I am proud to say about my beautiful long lashes (Hahax, I sound so bhb) But then, yepps, she was so fascinated as she was curling my lashes and putting on the Mascara. She kept on asking me about my lashes too!

After that, she brought me around the store and showed the other sales assistant. Initially, she tested on my right eye, then she so amazed that she showed to other assistants the difference between my eyes. And the other staff in the store became very excited as well. They gathered around me and looked intently at my eyes. They went "Wow" *hehes*

She put on Mascara on my other eye as well. And, I was showed to other stores assistants again. LOL. This time, they claimed that my eyes are very beautiful and looked like barbie dolls' eyes.

Eventually, I got myself a black-coloured Mascara and have my eyebrows trimmed. =D

I am a typical narcissist, ain't I?

Superb happy about 'the small commotion' at the store. But that's not the end of my day..

Coincidentally, I met Yi Huei at Tampines 1! Therefore, I accompanied her to shop for while before going home.

Next, went back home but joined my Mom for dinner at the MacDonalds opposite school. I wonder if I'm being oversensitive, I have been having a bad feeling about my family. I can't really describe the feeling or what's the reason that caused it. However, it is not a good feeling to have, so uncomfortable, so breathtaking.

Finally, reached home at around 10 plus. Did a final check on the things to bring for the Trainers' Camp. Honestly speaking, I am very, very nervous about it. Cause, I am going alone. Hope I can meet Kellyann or someone whom I know. Being alone in camp is seriously, scary. Plain scary. Also, hope that the camp will be an enjoyable one. Guess I gonna really pray hard for that. Last but not least, I sincerely hope that it will be something like I-guides, where I get to make another bunch of lively friends. Hope, hope, hope...

Well, have been having weird dreams recently. Wonder if is happening because I've been thinking too much subconsciously or what. Seriously, weird. Like how I dreamt myself in a typical classroom having tests, doing some pretty weird stuff elsewhere, even running for my life in situations of gunshots. Then, I keep having this repetitive dreams about this guy, whom I can never see the face. I felt like we are couples doing all the romantic stuff, but again, I never get to see his face...

That's all on the some parts of my dreams which I remembered having. Shall bring myself back to the remarkable time I woke up.

Very much like those movies, whereby the wizards and witches snapped their fingers and something happened. Opened my eyes and there it is! I finally thought through something!

Everyone can choose the positive or negative side. No matter how negative the situation is, stay happy, stay positive. That will be a new drive to change whatever one is trying to change. If there is no actions done, there can never be a change. For the very least, this new gush of positive energy is so much better than staying negative. Staying negative is very destructive I must say. Can imagine - keep on complaining on the same stuff, unhappy with anyone and everyone. Worst still, the moaning gets them nowhere new but at the same spot where things will just keep repeating itself, getting the person more and more depressed, more and more dissatisfied with the world...

We shall and must get over the bad things and start to work on the good ones. Perhaps, with the new motivation and enthusiasm, new possibilities might occur. No one can tell what's going to happen, and thus the cliche saying "You never know." If the outcomes are good, it means one has succeeded. In fact, it may be start a new story continuing from the success, such as reaching an even higher level of gameplay. But if it is bad, yea, it kinda sucks I guess. Still, it is an experience, a lesson learnt.

Whether it may be good or bad, at least I could tell myself, " I tried."

PS: I know what I just typed sounded very much like a speech. But the idea of these coming to my mind when I woke up, I still find it incredible. It was just so sudden and random.

But before I end off the post, tons of thanks to Marcus.

He gave me this idea and has been listening to me so much for the past few days when I kept beating about the same bush. Nevertheless, thanks for being there! You were a really a great advisor:)

I can no longer tell if things are happening due to coincidences or He really existed. Well, the Bible states that He does, and stories proved that too. But I will always wonder that was so, so long ago, who exactly have seen him and how were they sure that things happened that way based on the evidences people found.

However, it is simply creepy. Many of my greedy requests are being answered gradually. It just felt so amazing that it actually happened hours after I prayed for it. I was like OMG, it actually happened?! Yea, it is simply so, unbelievable...

Much as I wanted to convince myself with logic that is just my own thinking that is making me think of such stuff, honestly speaking, I am really starting to belief...