I still remember that during secondary 1, I see myself as having a new start to shake off my primary school times which I so badly wanted to get off from it. I wanted to do something to make my parents proud. Therefore, I worked hard. It was then I tried new studying methods - doing notes, highlighting important stuff (even though I copied homework, but I did study for my exams k) Back then, I was amazed, I topped the class! I was the 5th in the level. The very first I achieved in my 13 years. I never was the first place until then. I thought, it was really my whole new start. Really. Achieved what I wanted, thinking that my parents will be proud of me, thinking they would be happier that they didn't have a good-for-nothing daughter.

So what?

M family is as cold as ice. Nothing really mattered if I was the top in class. Well, I did receive some things like "oh, good for you," and "must work hard to maintain". That's was it.It didn't even sound sincere at all, they don't seemed happy about it. I even felt that it meant nothing to them. They even told me "You are able to top your class cause your class is weak."

How hurtful it was for a 13-year-old kid. Worst still, all the kid's efforts and pride was just, instantly swiped to ground 0 by that short sentence. What I hoped to hear was a little praise or maybe the tiniest smirk on their face that their child did well. But all I got was nothing. As usual, they keep things deep within themselves. The family, doesn't even feel like a family. No matter how hard I tried to reach out to them, I feel rejected and hurt eventually. It is really cold. No one is willing to share our thinkings and our secrets. And, perhaps that is the key to my icy and defensive personality to most people I meet. Cold and icy, where there's no warmth and emotions to talk about at all.

Apparently, I don't get much support from my family when I'm doing things. I do know that they care and worry for me. But, it just doesn't feel the drive. Seeing so many families around me joking around, having fun, giving their utmost support and encouragement make me very, very jealous. I really hope that I can have those too. Those words and acts of support on the children, I believed it will really spurt them to work doubly hard, or even give in the best that they can. Those magical actions and words will act miraculously on us as children. Really. I believed upon hearing these, kids will confirm want to do things well in order to show the good results for their parents, proving to them that they did it.

But after waiting for so many years, I don't want to get myself dejected again. Time and time again, the feeling of waiting for something which never seem to come. The sadness simply repeats itself, like a cycle, just that each time hurts more than the previous cause the scars and pain adds on. Perhaps, my family is just different. We get the freedom to choose what we want, unless is an extreme wrong or maybe things that are illegal, then there's objection raised. Other than that, I'm thankful that I am quite free to do whatever I want.

Right now, I am at least 60% sure that I am immune to not receiving words of encouragement. Or rather, I lowered my hopes to hoping that my family knows about the tiny little things that I'm trying to do. Again, to my disappointment, there's no avail. Maybe, I'm a bit of attention-seeker. I really hope that they'll see me one day and be appreciative of what I'm trying to do to make everyone in the family happy cause to me, none of them are happy being in the family. I tried hard, be it to put on a strong front or make a fool out of myself. In return, I got nothing. Nothing is changed. The only results I get is to find myself totally drained out. Exhaustion, despair was the state I ended up in.

In the end, I will always tell myself, "They can't see the small things I do is cause I couldn't see behind the walls what they had been doing." Although I am totally clueless about the little things they do, be it to for the family, or for themselves, I really hope that they can at least tell me a little about what they exactly want or what they're doing. Maybe like me, they don't like to share their things with other people. Or maybe that's purely hereditary. But at least, give me a brief outline? Just a little bit and I'm contented.

I do admit that I am extremely unwilling to share things with them. Unlike other kids who will run home to tell their parents what happened during their day, their happy and unhappy moments, I don't do that at all. I get extremely irritated if I am to tell everything and anything about what I wanted and what happened. However, if I were to tell them what I'm doing, they might object, despite how much I wanted to get things done. Take my braces issue for example. Since donkey years ago, dentists have been asking me to get my braces done cause my jaws are dislocated. Till now, my dad agreed to LOANED me the money. After 2-3 years have passed, my jaws are still dislocated! What the hell. Is like whatever issue I talked to them, it will end up be an obstacle for me to get it done. My braces, my music life, my aspirations, my interests etc..

Well, is this the price of equivalent exchange where they don't bother me and I shall not poke my nose into their matters?

Are the prices in exchange a too hefty one? Staying in a place where I am trained to keep my emotions deep within me. I am not supposed to express anything or I'll get hurt. But...afterall, they are my family. They are supposed to be my closest kin, yet they feel to be so distant. Shall I just continue to convince myself that my family is different from other people? My family is not a typical family?

Many people said that your family is the best shelter which will always be open for you to seek refuge. They claimed that only families will give you unconditional support and will be always behind you, going through thick and thin blah blah.

How true are those 'golden words', when I feel that my family brings me more grief and happiness. When families hold you back from what you aim and what you like. They be argue that is for our own good, and they will ensure that we stay on the right track. But is pursuing what I liked a crime? I do not aim to do bad things like joining the dark side nor doing illegal stuff. I mainly wanted to have a career and do something I like. I just wanted to achieve the goals I set for myself, to develop my interests which I wasn't given a chance when I was young. It is not wrong, isn't it?

If you are in a family where you feel that you are tied and restricted, will you still feel that your family is a good support to achieving your goals and realising your dreams?